Stalkers

No, I don't think I have ever had a stalker. It has occasionally been intimated that I may be a stalker, but as anyone who really knows me would tell you, I could never be a stalker. I just don't have the necessary task commitment.

First of all I'm lazy. A stalker needs to be a real go-getter. In order to be an efficient stalker, you need to be able to dig for small tidbits of information, you need to be able to spend hours digging through your quarry's trash to find things that you can use for tracking. You need to have dedication to sit in a tree for hours in the cold, wind or rain. Dedication is the hallmark of a stalker, that and mental instability.

Secondly, I don't have the financial independence needed to be a dedicated stalker. Anyone who truly wants to be a stalker needs to have a steady and solid financial base to use for the endless little things involved with good stalking. Listening devices, parabolic mikes and good image stabilizing binoculars are not cheap. What about plane tickets and other travel expenses? I mean, as anyone knows, one of the defining abilities of a good stalker is the ability to follow the target. No matter how that is accomplished, other than on foot, it takes money. If you wish to follow a tour bus, you need gas money, if you are following a jet-setting star, you're gonna need money for the first class tickets to keep an eye on the glitterati who will never fly coach. If you intend to follow them EVERYWHERE, your going to need a passport and visas and all sorts of paperwork that costs money. Nope, I sure can't afford to be a stalker.

Third, I just don't have the level of fandom that would cause me to be a stalker. Just can't see caring that much about someone that I have never met. Sure, I love Kelly Clarkson, but geez, she doesn't even know I exist, and she probably never will, so why would I spend a huge chunk of my life following her around? Or Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yeah, THAT's gonna happen! I can see them better on TV than I could at a red carpet event, so why go and get pushed around by security and trampled by a crowd of papparazzi, when I can sit safe and sound in my livingroom and see them just fine.

Lastly, why would I want a police record for stealing dirty panties or some stupid thing like that? Every stalker eventually gets caught doing something really warped. Breaking into the home of the prey and masturbating in their socks or using their shower, or setting up a shrine in their bedroom. Then the police find them and arrest them and they end up on TMZ looking like Nick Nolte after his DWI. Is that really the way that you want your crush to finally see you? With the bracelets on and the cops guiding you through the crowd of photographers? Come on! If you wanted to make a good first impression that was surely the way to go! They will never forget you, and the restraining order will always remind them!

Maybe a stalker can get lucky and their prey turns out to be just as loony as they are, (ala Britney Spears) and they hook up and have a few dates. It still ends badly when the prey gets sent to rehab and when they get sober they realize that your a freak and probably the reason they had to spend 90 days of their life locked in a padded room, then they kick you to the curb, with a new restraining order and most likely a lawsuit too!

Don't get me wrong, I am not commitment-phobic, I just have a better place to focus my commitments! And besides I don't want to be Commited! I don't fit a straight jacket so well, even though I suppose they make them in all sizes, I just don't wish to find out!