conflict

Some people thrive on it, and some people live for it, but then there are others who can live without it, and those who can take it or leave it. Then there are those of us who will actively avoid it. I'm one who will actively avoid it.

We all know "that couple," the ones who snipe at each other every chance they get, poking and prodding trying to provoke a fight or at least an argument. I guess it's the only way that they understand to get into each other. They think they are being honest, or at least open. I think it's a way to stay closed off, if you are always on the defensive ( or the offensive too) you don't have to open up and actually talk. Some people call it "passion", but I just don't buy it, how can a person be happy when they are constantly in a state of looking for a way to make someone mad or a way to defend themselves. I have seen many of these couples break up over the years. Some last longer than others, but they all end when one or the other gets tired of fighting.

There are the individuals who are always spoiling for a fight, whether it's a war of words or actual fisticuffs doesn't matter to them, they are just looking to try and best someone, these are bullies. They have to be louder, and tougher and they feel the need to bend everyone to their will. They will argue over a noise that somebody's chair makes, or the daily weather report. These people will be ready to throw punches over the smallest perceived slight, from a look to an accidental sniff. Never turn your back on a true bully, they have no sense of shame and will happily use any means necessary to cause you pain if they think that you have done them wrong in any way. Some people say they are the "alpha" types, I just think they are attention seeking jerks.

Some people will stand up for themselves or their friends and loved ones, but otherwise they are peaceable and easy going people. These are people who will have discussions about things when they disagree with someone, and they will remain calm for the most part. If somebody pushes them, they will push back, they will never escalate, but will always meet with at least equal aggression. Sometimes they win, and sometimes they lose. They don't live and die by the honor of besting someone in everything they do, and they learn from their mistakes and try to get along with people. These are people that make great friends and neighbors, they are great to have in the family and they are often good peace makers and "go-to guys" because they get the job done and generally avoid making enemies while doing it.

Then there are people like me. We go to great lengths to avoid conflict, arguments make us queasy, and just the thought of raised voices or disagreeing with someone can cause us stress. We are calm and agreeable and easy to talk to. We will smile and nod when you tell us the craziest things. You think that you can't surprise us because we remain so calm outwardly, but inside we may be screaming. Don't believe for one minute that we can't stand up for ourselves, because that's just not true, we can, and many of us have, but we wait for something really big, or until someone pushes just the right button one too many times. Sadly this is quite dangerous, because whomever gets the bull will be getting the bull that has been building up. It is the risk we run, sometimes we just lose our minds, but generally we have a great big blow up, and things get said and broken and sometimes there is violence.

What many people don't realize is that those of us who avoid conflict have some pretty good reasons. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but my reasons are pretty simple, the main one is that I know that I have a serious temper. I'm not a hair trigger by any means, but I do know that when I get pissed in a serious way that it is not safe for me to be around people. I never want to cause bodily harm to anybody, I may say I do, but in truth it is probably the last thing that I would ever actually want to do. I have spent many years learning how to control my temper and to stay out of trouble, but there are people in this world who will think this means that they can push me around, and in some cases they can. Only because I let them.

Another reason that I try to avoid conflict is because I used to see it in my own home when I was a kid. I watched my mom and dad fight. Plenty of arguments, and sometimes big, old, knock-down, drag-out fights. My dad was a great provider, but he was also a bully in the house. It was his way or the highway, and I knew it. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself I was beat down by the old man. A smart answer generally meant a fat lip or at least sore spot on the cheekbone for a couple days. I have flown through doors, and out of rooms. I have had bruises from on end of me to another and I am sure that on more than one occasion my scalp came off of my skull while I was being dragged around by my hair being shown the work I didn't do. I can spot anger in a person in a millisecond, and it always flips my stomach. Past is past, but it still affects me and my behavior. I try everyday to be the exact opposite of how I was raised. I never say never, but I truly prefer to calmly resolve problems. The second that a voice is raised in my direction, I go into defensive mode, and I scare myself. So yeah, you can often push me around, but please count yourself lucky that you aren't the one to throw the straw that breaks the camel's back.

There is some serious positivity that has come from this, I am polite to everybody that I meet, no matter how big an asshole they are. No matter how much I dislike you, I can be friendly and kind to you. I may be a little passive-aggressive on occasion, but in general I am polite and well behaved in public. Sadly this gives me plenty of people who insist on talking to me when I would just as soon they would find a new friend, but the positive side is that I can get things from people that give up nothing to anyone. I don't force my way up hierarchies, because I don't like to fight over crap, and I refuse to compete for attention. I do my job as best I can, and generally I do it quite well. I am a professional sidekick, because I don't want to be aggressive enough to get the top spot even though I probably deserve it.

If I can live a peaceful life, I will be happy, but occasionally I know that I will have to stand up for myself or for those close to me. I chose my battles very carefully. I also approach them with trepidation, but when I have to, I can fight with the best of them. I have been a bouncer, and a security guard. I can hold my own in a fight, I just prefer not to have to.

Too many people choose conflict, and not enough are willing to try a calmer way. It's too bad, because life is so much more pleasant when there is more calmness and less conflict.

rudely anonymous

What ever happened to manners? I mean it's bad enough that people are growing more and more rude as we get ourselves lost in our iPods and cell phones and we forget that we are in public. I say "we" not because I am particularly rude myself, but to encompass the entire population, because happy or not you have certainly been rude in your life, whether on purpose or by accident. Sometimes it is because we are returning the rudeness tossed at us, and sometimes it is situational build up and we just bubble over. But then there are the people who walk into a place and don't see anyone that they recognize and so they immediately make themselves the royalty in the room. Everything they do is for their own benefit or amusement. They lack manners in any form, whether it is the use of the most basic please or thank you, or even the current standard that passes for manners the quick look and slight smile, to indicate that someone else actually exists. These are the same people who treat waiters and clerks with disdain and expect exemplary service no matter what, and when they don't get it they make the employee's life miserable.

These are the people who will cut into line and grab parking spaces that you are obviously waiting for. It really shouldn't be illegal to vandalize their cars or kick them in the shins for butting in line. I have never understood this type of rude behavior, and it is too bad that society tolerates it as well, by making it illegal to teach them a lesson. A few trips to the dentist to get their teeth replaced or their jaw wired shut until it heals and they would start to understand that they are not the center of the universe. Lynching should be reserved only for those with the highest rescindivism rates. After the 4th trip to the ER for rudeness related injuries they should immediately be hanged as it shows that they have no ability to learn the rules of polite society.

There is still another class of idiot out there that has really gotten under my skin lately, this is the chatroom attention seeker. The idiot that hides in his/her anonymity and simply annoys people for the fun of annoying people. They have nothing intelligent to add to a conversation, so rather than simply reading and maybe learning something or maybe looking in other rooms where there may be a subject of interest to them, they sit and type repetitive lines waiting for somebody to respond to their idiocy. Then they attack and begin calling names and arguing with any point that is made. They make it nearly impossible to ignore them, and sadly each time you mention them they take it as attention and are encouraged to continue the lousy behavior. So what happens is that when new people come into the room they don't realize that this person is being ignored and they engage the idiot and there we go again with the rude dude attitude.

What really drives me nuts about these freaks is that half the time they are no more than kids, or in the really worst cases, young adults with time to kill and nobody to to grab them by the the throat and smack their head into the monitor! So what is the motivation for this behavior? Is it a lack of attention at home or the feeling of empowerment that they get from pissing off a bunch of anonymous strangers? What would happen if we could get the information on these idiots and have Vinny and Vito show up at their door and break a few fingers. Does it seem like I have some hostility pent up about this lack of manners? You're right I do! I was raised to be polite, not only to my friends and family, but even more so to strangers, because this is how you are perceived by the world and being rude makes you a less effective communicator. Rudeness begets rudeness and soon communication is gone and all that is left is hostile accusation.

I am reminded of something written by Heinlein in the character of Lazarus Long, "I am of the opinion that most human male children should be raised in barrels and fed through the bung. When they are 18 a decision must be made, whether to let them out or drive in the bung plug." I love that idea, because there are many a 21 year old whom I would love to stuff into a barrel and drive in the bung plug. He also said, "Manners are the grease in the gears of society. They make things run smoothly and are just as important in public as they are at home." I know that quote isn't perfect, but I can't find my book at the moment and get it perfect, but that 's the gist of it!

Do I have a solution? Nope. Do I think things will change? Probably, but sadly they will probably get worse before they get better. I think that it might be like alcoholism, where we collectively need to hit rock bottom and maybe even bounce a few times before we begin to climb out of the hole. My guess is that the current generation may find out that living with idiots like themselves is pretty crappy, and then they may begin to teach manners to their children. Yeah right!! ROFLMAO!! What's gonna happen is that eventually somebody is going to walk a mall with a sawed off shotgun and start blowing away line budgers and iPod zombies.

When the SWAT team surrounds the mall and orders him to surrender he tells them to say "Please". At the trial the jury finds him not guilty and instead awards him a multi-million dollar settlement for wrongful arrest and sends him to congress with a mandate to make rudeness illegal. The minimum fines for public rudeness are what may currently be considered cruel and unusual punishment. The escalation of the the fine for subsequent offenses move in three short steps to execution. The "3 strikes" law will make the world a much better place. There will also be no legal consequences for anyone severely beating a rude person in public as long as there are at least 3 witnesses to the rude behavior. The trials will be quick and public, the nearest 12 people will be rounded up and be the jury. The first 2 police officers will be the lawyers and one more civilian will serve as the judge. As long as the beating is found justified that is no repercussions, and the beaten rude dude, will be remanded to the authorities and given his proper sentence. ( the trial of the beater will serve as beatee's verdict as well ) I'm sure that this is just a pipe dream, but oh, wouldn't it be nice!

So thank you for reading and have a great day.

Why is Peace so Elusive?

I don't wish to sound like a sap here, but I have to wonder and I decided to wonder on a page, Why is peace so elusive? What is it about the Jews and the Palestinians, and the Sunnis and the Shiites, and the crap in Darfur? Is it a religious difference? What is the difference? 2000 years ago when these religions took hold it was a better way to control people and hold on to resources.

Religion was and is the new mythology. I can't be convinced that it is now or has ever been a good thing. How can something that is supposed to be so beneficial to the people be used so blatantly to kill and maim someone else? Once in our history there was actually some sense to the violent side of the religion, because you wanted an army that would follow it's leaders into the the face of the raging enemy. They needed to protect their vital resources, their crops and their people. There was a need to tell the troops that they would end up in a better place when they died for "the cause" and it gave them a reason to fight without the fear of dying. It was also a way for leaders with limited resources to keep their populations under control. I know it sounds callous, but think about the tyrants of old, what better way to have enough grain stores to get through the winter than to get a chunk of the population killed? Especially after a particulary lean harvest. That was one of the reasons for the caste system, the royals and ruling classes were taught to see the lower classes, and serfs as no more than chattel, pawns to be used for their own amusement and benefit. You wish to gain something from the neighboring kingdom? Send in an army of the lower classes as cannon fodder to get the attention of the neighboring king and maybe even have a victory and get what you were wanting. Now it's not so clear cut.

Today the world is smaller and the resources much more mobile and easier to distribute. Why is it that a country as large as Russia feels the need to argue over the resources that they have to sell? They have enough oil in their fields to give OPEC a run for their money, yet they are quibbling with over prices with half of Europe and the former Soviet Republics. I understand National pride, but not the need to control more land and more resources. What is it about human greed for Control! "If you don't believe as I believe then you must die as it is the only form of control that I can exert!" The thought process eludes me on this one. There are cat lovers in this world who understand that not everything is easily within our control. Dog lovers on the other hand wish for instant obedience and gleeful worship from their subjects.

Why is it that there is so many people who believe that, "it's my way or the highway( to hell)?" So much of the world lives with self imposed blinders on, never willing to look beyond their narrow view for whatever reason. Usually the reason is ideological, they are taught not to question authority, be it religious or governmental. The Pope imposes his will upon the devout Catholics around the world, no birth control, you must breed! No meat on Friday, No wait that's not the rule any more... Oh I know , give the Church 10% 0f your gross pay, or you will not get into Heaven! No sex Before Marriage, Says the Celibate priest! Muslims claim to have the peaceful religion yet the radical among them find in their Koran the words to inflame passions to the point that their youth will die in a fiery explosion with bombs strapped to their bodies in hopes of getting into Paradise. The world here sucks so bad that they take the easy way out! Sure it sucks here, their woman are treated like so many goats or horses and they aren't allowed to even look at them until they're married. They have to stop and pray how many times a day, and kiss the ground wherever they happen to be. Yuck, I would be willing to blow myself up to get out of living like that too! But why is it this constant drive to make the others live as you live? Why must there be a conversion? If I live my life without causing you harm, and I can do business with you honestly and openly, why must I believe the same mythology that you believe? What difference does it make to me or you? If I don't insist that you live like I do, why must you insist that I live like you do?

Some of the death and destruction is no more than a hillbilly feud that has carried on since time immemorial. The Jews killed a Palestinian and then the Palestinians killed a Jew to retaliate and it has since gone on as ever, and ever escalating. Yet there are Jewish kids and Palestinian kids who play soccer against and with each other in the streets of Jerusalem, they know no malice, simply the face of a friend and a fellow player. There is so much focus on the differences by the adults that they forget what it was like to be a child and only know your friends, and the things that you shared. Children don't know prejudice, it is taught to them and that is a shame. It takes no more effort to teach a child tolerance and understanding than it does to indoctrinate them with hatred and a narrow minded world view. I could never understand the need to pass such destrcutive teaching from one generation to the next. Did your Grandfather's grandfather's grandfather die so that you could send your son to his death? No, of course not, he died hoping that his children would be able to live in peace.

The Human race is quite unique on the plant Earth, as we have both the means to destroy ourselves completely, or the means to elevate ourselves into the stars and to truly find the secrets of the universe. Sadly the former is the most likely scenario, because in order to elevate, we must first have a peaceful society that can co-operate within all of the relms of science and technology, and rather than use the knowledge to try and destroy one another, use it to expand the horizons of human knowledge. In every field of human endevour we could advance, simply by eliminating the need to dominate each other, and pool our resources and knowledge for the good of all. We could feed the hungry and shelter the homeless. We could send our species into the solar system beyond the Moon, and beyond Mars and out into the limitless Universe. We could gain so much from simply shedding the old prejudices and learning from our children, how to focus on the good stuff, and to not bother about the differences.

I want to believe that there is a future where the need for weapons of mass destruction no longer exsists. I want to believe that Humanity will opens it's eyes one morning and realize that the answer to all of our problems is to stop the killing and to start the healing. Political lines and religious lines become meaningless and useless because there is not a need for division, when we will all work towards the next step for the entire species, and not just for our own greed, but the future of our children and their children's children.

Page 2...

So here we are Post number 2! I guess that I have to find a direction, even though I have referred to grouchiness in both the title and the URL for this page, the truth is that I am generally a pretty mild mannered and happy person. That doesn't mean that I don't get plenty pissed off at idiots on a pretty regular basis, and that's one of the things that I'm gonna be ranting about every now and then. The American people have become a nation of victims and a perfect case in point I saw today on the midday news. A pair a teenage girls get into a fight and the aggressor ends up on top of her victim pummeling her face mercilessly. Not for a second or two, but for close to half a minute, then the victims' (foster)mother arrives and drags the aggressor off of the other girl and gives her a good smack in the head as she lets her go. Guess who is in trouble? Yup, the adult who hit the child! This "child" is a teenager who was trying to just about kill another girl. Personally I think she ought to be in jail herself, and thankful that someone didn't try to beat the snot out of her. Then this vicious chick's mother has the gall to go on TV and cry about the way the her daughter was manhandled!! BITE MY ASS !!! The whole situation stinks and that is a huge problem.

I have said this many times over the last few years, but it seems to be getting to be more and more true, the American mindset is becoming this, " Since I'm probably going to get in big trouble anyway, I might as well make it worth it!" It goes along with the "Go big or stay home." philosophy. There is a serious lack of respect for other people in this country lately. Not always when people are in one on one situations, but definitely in crowds and public places. There is no longer a please and thank you used for most transactions, especially from the customers. I like the French philosophy of Commerce, "The customer is always wrong!" It makes the customers much more respectful of the merchants and sales people whom they must deal with. The American tourists think that the French are rude, when in fact it is simply a matter of perspective, they aren't used to being told the truth and they don't understand it when they see it! Manners are simply the lubricant that makes humanity tolerate each other, and rudeness is sand mixed into that grease. It starts with the Boomers who wanted children who were their friends. It was wrong and it is still wrong. My lovely peers, the Gen-Xers are making the same mistake regularly, and it is only exacerbating the problem. Fates know how rude the country will be by the time my nieces and nephews are full adults.